Daycare has been hard over the past year (2020); COVID and the stresses of the world changed so much. Even though we try to be conscious of the conversations we have around our son— kids are extremely intuitive and affected. Who knows what they take in, and take on. As parents, we want to help them discover ways to overcome their obstacles. Then they can grow their confidence and ultimately find success on their own terms.
Breakthrough. Today was a step towards easing my son’s separation anxiety.
Childhood anxiety is something that effects many kids on a normal day, let alone during this age of misinformation (and confusion). Anxiety is a fear about a harm that hasn’t happened yet. A fear of the future and the uncertainty that can bring.
Maybe this strange time is in fact an opportunity for us to treat our emotions, and our kids, with more care. To bring the focus inward— towards nurturing our soul(s).
“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.”
—Neale Donald Walsh
So, how can we go about healing?
1. Be aware of our own emotions (as parents)
When my now 3.5-year-old son used to go to daycare, it was ok. We lived in the space of tears and clinging every day. I found it hard to leave him when he was so upset, but he ended most days having fun, some not wanting to leave. He is an emotional, intelligent, adaptable, and sensitive child. He felt my ambivalence whether he knew what it was or not. It soon became evident I needed to feel good, so my energy could aid him in his process instead of adding to his fears. This is a hard thing to become aware of and feels huge to rectify, but it can also happen instantly. It takes a commitment to become more self-aware, though. What energy are you putting out, with or without words? Accept that you are a part of the problem and flip it to become part of the solution instead. I am a part of this problem. He wants to stay with me. His anxiety is related to being home with me. How do I manage my own energy in the future and help him be responsible and capable? I have to be the example. Take time to nurture me and get what I need; so I can pay proper attention to his needs.
2. Dig in. Ask questions. Find out why this feeling is there.
I spent the holidays searching for something to console our hearts. Reading blogs, looking for books, researching for answers that would connect with him. A good 24-min listen was: How To Help A Child Struggling With Anxiety. How you can spot it. Ideas on what you can do to help. Then I came across this: Avital Schreiber-Levy on Helping any Kid Play Independently which brought the focus towards building independence, setting up self-directed learning which allows the development of their inner awareness. Steps towards being more autonomous at home and building their sense of self. Gifts for life. Highly recommend this video.
I need to hear what his thoughts are, even if they keep changing. Allow him to figure it out (and know I am there). Help him make sense of his experiences and feelings. One of the many gems I am learning from this book; The Whole-Brain Child.
We tried talking about why he didn’t want to go. We related it to us and work; his job being to play, make friends, and explore. I asked him why he didn’t want to go. “I never want to go to school. I want to stay here with you.” I was conscious of us not leading his answers and not making it into every conversation. But he brought it up a lot—anxiety building along the way. We tried focusing on the positives. Shortening the day. Only going three days a week. We are steadily talking and slowly working on having more independent play at home. I need it. Also, I know he does too. This is a process with all of us learning along the way. It’s ok not to have it solved, and we’re taking steps and seeing what works for us, which can also be different depending on the day.
3. Deep belly breathing to calm down (self regulation)
Try to help your kids find ways to calm down and recentre. Deep belly breathing. Don’t dismiss— but face their fears together in baby steps and reward the progress.
How To Help A Child Struggling With Anxiety (NPR.org)
4. Crystals, meditation, and an object filled with love
We’ve been working on meditation techniques and calming strategies for kids. I bought my son a crystal (in the photo), and have been sharing a few of mine when he is feeling emotional. I thought it was helping but wasn’t quite sure what was getting through.
Then, this morning, he came up from dad play into mom meditation time, to ask me if we could do the ball thing. My heart swelled. It’s a meditation exercise (I didn’t make it up) where you close your eyes, imagine you are holding a ball of light, fill it with all of the positive things you want for your day (or someone else’s). See it expand and become full. Then take that ball and place it inside yourself. He liked this one! It was a process, he was still anxious about going so we went upstairs and looked for a bracelet in my jewelry box. We found his amber baby necklace (which helps balance emotions, eliminate fears, dissolve negative energy, develop patience). It was to help with teething. He wore that for easily a year. We wrapped it twice around his wrist and filled it with thoughts of hugging mommy or daddy and thinking I would be coming to get him soon. Seems counterintuitive, but was actually comforting. He even used it as his spider shooter a few times 🙂 We swang him on the way to school. There were a few almost moments, but he did not cry. HUGE. He said bye at the door, turned around a bit nervous, and said, “Mom, where’s my mittens?”. Then he showed his teacher and told her about the bracelet. And said see you soon.
One day down, no matter what tomorrow brings. I am so proud of him, and us.
Ideas & Tools
Article: 8 Smart Ways to Ease Daycare and Preschool Separation Anxiety
The style of this article draws me in when I am searching for quick hits of information with useful solutions. ‘Make a mom memento.’ was my favorite and the one that seemed to work best for us. A few days later, and my son still doesn’t want to take his bracelet off. He talks about it getting filled up with love and hugs <3
Reference Book: Crystals for Mom
Crystals for Mom: Learn How to Heal Yourself, Protect your child, and Find Balance with the Power of Crystals— This book is a good reference using simple explanations separated by need, how to use them, and healing properties for you and your child. My personal work with crystals has been towards healing myself for a few different purposes. Citrine and garnet to help balance my thyroid. I bought my mother an amethyst sleep/relaxation mask to help her migraines. Occasionally, in meditation, I will hold a Selenite pebble to my chest. And depending on my mood/need, I will wear a few others. Both my son and I enjoy holding the rose quartz crystal (heart-based) skull I have. These energies have a history that goes back to the beginnings of humanity. People have been using them for centuries. It is all about achieving balance, opening/easing the way for growth, and raising consciousness. Tapping into frequencies. Who knows what effect crystals have had, and continue to have on the development of our physical world and group consciousness ✨🧬🔮💎🌀🌎
Reference Book: The Whole-Brain Child
The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind, Survive Everyday Parenting Struggles, and Help Your Family Thrive— I’ve only just started this book but knew I would like reading this. It is a quick read, has a quick reference (based on age) in the back, and the examples help you to see the influence of your own behavior. Because sometimes there’s only time for quick reminders, and I need to test out tactics fast 💥
Spirit Animal of the Day: Medicine Cards
Medicine Cards: The Discovery of Power Through the Ways of Animals— This is my go-to deck these days ♡ I pull one card each morning, after meditation (15-45 min depends on the day), and before/during journaling (15 min). Every now and then I will do a larger reading for myself. It makes me feel closer to nature. Comforting. Connected. My son and partner like to pull a card every now and then as well. It’s great to see what comes up, from the perspective of nature. And can be healing emotionally when we need more understanding for ourselves, and each other ♥︎ 🦋
Listen: How To Help A Child Struggling With Anxiety
The 24-Minute Listen on NPR.org of this article was well worth my time and offered useful tips. It describes; ‘Childhood anxiety is one of the most important mental health challenges of our time. The article has six takeaways that all parents, caregivers, and teachers can add to their anxiety toolkits, including information on how anxiety works, how parents can spot it, and how to know when it’s time to get professional help.’
Article: 49 Phrases to Calm an Anxious Child
Quick reference list of phrases for when you’re out of ideas and need a new way to approach what can be difficult moments.
Kids Book: Breathing is My Superpower
Breathing is My Superpower : Mindfulness Book for Kids to Feel Calm and Peaceful—This book has some good exercises for kids to practice. It gives you options, not every kid will like all of them. My son like the blowing bubbles one and likes seeing me practice the car one so far.
Kids Book: Have You Filled A Bucket Today?
Have You Filled A Bucket Today? A Guide to Daily Happiness for Kids We love this book and have read it with my sister’s kids as well. It’s a good reminder for the whole family actually. All about daily kindness, appreciation, and love ♥︎
Kids Book: What To Do When You Worry Too Much
A Kid’s Guide To Overcoming Anxiety
What To Do When You Worry Too Much
A Kid’s Guide To Overcoming Anxiety
We haven’t read this one yet but I am going to buy it. Apparently, it guides parents and kids through the cognitive-behavioral techniques most often used in the treatment of anxiety.. in a funny way. We’re still going through it. Some days are better but others are still hard and filled with a repeat of the same questions and anxieties. We haven’t overcome yet!
This is our story. Though I know many parents also have a similar story to tell of their own. Please feel free to share yours in the comments below. Maybe sharing it will help another on their path to success.